The first day of 2013 dawned beautiful, sunny and cold. Heading downstairs, I ran into a neighbour dressed in shorts and a T-shirt, carrying a thick paperback novel. “That’s strange,” I thought. “It’s a bit chilly to sit outside and read.”
We made small talk and, as he stepped out of the elevator waving his book, he chirped, “First day of the year. Headed to the gym. Took me all morning to get down here, but I’m going!”
Ahh, New Year’s Resolutions. The kind of optimistic insanity that makes a person saunter down to the gym in their street clothes. With a book in hand.
I’ve created my own list of resolutions every year since I was a pre-teen, filling pages of my journal with detailed assessments of the past year and lists of goals for the coming months. I’ve even made charts (dork alert).
But now, as January rolls around, I view goal setting in a different light. Reading the resolutions of friends and acquaintances on Facebook, blogs and Twitter, I can see that most are destined to fail the moment they are created.
We’re prone to negative resolutions like:
Lose 10 pounds
Eat less junk food
Quit lousy job
Or overblown, unrealistic resolutions like:
Go to Bikram Yoga three times a week (when we’ve been going zero days a week)
Write 3,000 words per day (when we’ve only been writing sporadically)
Give up coffee cold turkey (when we’ve been downing lattes like water)
These are lousy goals.
The first week we miss a session of yoga, the whole plan falls apart and we mutter to ourselves, between bites of salty, guilt flavored potato chips:
New Year’s resolutions are built upon this strange notion that, come January 1st, we will suddenly morph into perfect, unwavering health nuts who love to exercise and drink algae shakes. It’s a very convenient all or nothing mentality, which is why New Years Resolutions could realistically be called Month of January Resolutions.
The problem is that we are piling a bunch of new shoulds onto our already should-filled lives.
We have work shoulds and family shoulds, social shoulds and health shoulds. Shows we should watch, books we should read, diets we should try, languages we should learn, mindsets we should master, activities we should join, activities our kids should join…
We are drowning in shoulds.
Here’s an idea: rather than add dozens of new things to your list, why not take something off?
Why not reduce the shoulds and focus on one thing you really, truly want?
If you think your closet’s a mess right before a big purge, imagine what your brain looks like after a year of collecting new ideas. We mentally bookmark dozens of things every day. That amounts to thousands of shoulds over the course of a year.
By creating a list of a bajillion different things we want to do, we trick ourselves into feeling productive. The truth is, we’re not being productive at all. We pile on an unrealistic amount of resolutions so we don’t feel bad when we inevitably fail: who really expected us to write a novel, learn Spanish, travel the world, eat a vegan diet, sculpt Adonis abs and volunteer for a weekly soup kitchen in 2012?
Well shit, at least we tried.
Take a look at your own list. Maybe you really do want to learn Spanish, but some of the other shoulds–those 105 Pinterest Crafts you’ve been meaning to get around to–are causing you to stall.
Maybe you feel like you should read Hemingway but secretly you want to read Twilight. Maybe the sad result is you aren’t reading anything at all.
So, here’s a resolution:
Throw out all of the stuff that you don’t really want to do. Dump it. Free up that valuable mental real estate.
Now take that treacherous little word should out of the equation and pick one thing you really want to do. Not the number of pounds you’ve been meaning to lose or the Nazi diet regimen you’ve been eyeing. Choose something positive and manageable that has the potential to make you a happier person.
A list of things you’ll never get around to is doing nothing for you. Tear it up. Let it go.
Pick just one good thing. Begin.
How do you feel about New Year’s Resolutions? Do you make them? Break them? What do you hope to achieve in 2013?
Tagged: 2013, Advice, Expectations, Failing at Resolutions, Goal Setting, Goals, health, life, Lifestyle, New Year's Resolutions, Shoulds, Weight Loss
I love this post. I’m not huge on New Year’s Resolutions, as I feel like I am continually creating mental lists of things I “should” be improving upon all year long. Some I really do tackle – some I don’t, but New Years has never spurred me into unbridled action. Letting something go – fully letting it go, is actually much more difficult than attaining something new. Maybe that’s a more noble goal? Thanks, as always, Rian!
Letting go is really tough, isn’t it? Especially to some of those ideas about who we should be. But we won’t have space for the new if we don’t let go of some of the old. And it’s a pretty fantastic feeling to say, “Forget it! I’m not going to bake any of those Pinterest pies!” ;)
On the one hand, setting goals and attempting to follow though with them is a good exercise for anyone, at any time of the year. Setting unattainable expectations for oneself over the course of 1 year, is not healthy. “This year I’m going to lose 50 lbs and start juicing and meet the man of my dreams and stop smoking!” For me, personally, I have found setting a new year’s goal or two to be helpful. I have followed through with most of them over the past 3 years, but there have also been some fails too. I was able to start doing yoga regularly and stop biting my fingernails, but I was not able/willing to use my gym membership. Sigh. :( Trying to better yourself is noble…but so is starting small, and not setting yourself up to (only) fail.
Starting small–bingo, Tobi! Striving forward is noble, and growth is important and very, very good. I think, unfortunately, that many of us have unrealistic (and even unkind) ideas about what our lives should look like and New Year’s can foster those expectations. It can be difficult to determine what we really want for ourselves amid all of the noise. Clearing our plates is just as important as filling them up. If we let go of the idea of a perfect body, maybe our anxiety will lessen, maybe we’ll play more, maybe we won’t stress eat as much. I think it’s so awesome that you’ve achieved your past goals. Here’s to a rocking 2013! I hope it’s a really good one–you deserve it.
Yes, agreed! We need to not be as judgmental of ourselves. That in itself, makes it harder to succeed. xoxo
Ah yes, Rian, another joy of a post as usual! Personally i never make New Year’s resolutions. I think, as a student that I really see the start of a new year in September and so that’s the time of renewing, fresh starts and all that. However, if I see the need for a change at any time in the year, I simply make one, right then and there. It takes the pressure off because you can say, for example, “I need to get to the gym more often” in July, and then, if you want to, you can just do it! Right in the middle of the year like that! Have a very happy New Year and good luck in whatever you resolve to do (whenever you resolve to do it)!
I still feel the urge to start new things in September–I think school drills that feeling into you for life. And again in March, when the days are getting longer and there’s more light. Happy, happy New Year to you–I wish you the best of luck with your “anytime” changes ;)
If there were a “LOVE” button, I woulda pushed it 1000 times!! Great post!!
yes, carrying the yoke of the unatainable into the new year. Once Should has been shown the door, the menacing list shouldn’t be far behind. I find so many unforefilled lists in my paper work when I have a tidy up.
Those unfinished lists are the worst. I used to use a lot of lists. I’ve really cut down on them because I was always overreaching, thinking I could accomplish 75 things in one day. Now I focus on my most important tasks for the day: 1-3 things. And that seems to work a heck of a lot better!
A-to-the-freaking-MEN, Rian! And a happy new year to you!
“…when you really want to read Twilight instead” – yes! That so hits home for me, in a literal sense, but I also love what that line represents. The inertia you feel when you’re denying your true self.
The ONLY ‘change’ I’m trying to make this year is to remind myself to ‘trust myself.’ That’s all. Otherwise, it’s ‘just keep going.’
Happy, happy New Year Jules! Trusting yourself–that’s such a a great intention. And it leaves you room to say yes to a lot of cool stuff that you didn’t “plan” for. Anyway, if you keep going the way you’re going, you’re sure to have a rocking 2013 ;)
I agree wholeheartedly, Rian! While I made intentions and even blogged about them, they’re about letting go of the shoulds and making what I do fill my time with count. I hope to swear when I feel the need rather than fill with what I “should say”, eat full fat ice cream if I’m to have a treat (etc) and I quit the bullshit. The “shoulds” are part of the BS that is so prevalent and beating many of us down. I have to admit, while not spelling out drinking more champagne, with a nickname of bubbles, that’s almost a given ;) Love the Lana Del Rey image, I adore her music!
Full fat ice cream–amen to that! I agree that the halfway stuff has to go. Cheers, Kristy–here’s to a fabulous year!
We declare intentions – things we want to order our lives around, but that don’t have the same pressure as resolutions. This is the first year; prior to that, we did nothing. I personally gave up resolutions years ago and started focusing on one main goal for the year … in fact, I wrote up a little booklet that people can download and try it themselves, if they wish. It’s the best thing that’s worked for me – I have purpose, drive, and a whole helluva lot of accomplishments under my belt now!
(The booklet, if you wish: http://lynndaue.files.wordpress.com/2012/12/mission2013workbook.pdf)
Thanks for sharing your booklet, Lynn–it looks really useful. It’s become clearer and clearer to me over the past couple of years that we let all of the tiny, inane stuff steal our attention at the expense of the important things, the life changers. Focusing on one goal sounds like a good idea.
Thanks! I agree. Out of curiosity, what are you eliminating this year? Aside from “shoulds,” of course.
Fantastic post to start the year, Rian. Just like you, I’ve been writing resolutions lists every year, even twice a year sometimes, for as far as I can remember. I enjoy having a set time in the year to reflect on the past and plan the future a little bit. I agree with you though, “we are drowning in shoulds”. I still write lists, but I focus more on what I want to do, rather than things I should do. It feels so good to get rid of unrealistic and negative resolutions. After reading The Happiness Project, I paid more attention to what was actually fun for me to do rather than what would look good.
It’s funny, Cécile, because last year was the first year I can remember that I didn’t make resolutions. And I did so many things that I’m proud of and didn’t necessarily set out to do at the beginning of the year. I kept my eyes open, I took chances, I reassessed, I listened to my gut. And it was such a good year. I think stripping away the excess and figuring out who you really are goes such a long way towards achieving the things your heart really wants. I have a feeling you can relate to this? Ah, yes, what is it she says in that book: “Be more Gretchen?” ;)
“But now, as January rolls around, I view goal setting in a different light. Reading the resolutions of friends and acquaintances on Facebook, blogs and Twitter, I can see that most are destined to fail the moment they are created.”
Hear hear, sister. I agree with every word of this post.
I used to be in the “vague, made-to-be-broken, list-vomit-my-ideal-life-I-think-?” frenzy with many others — complete with pack mentality in setting the resolutions, and pack leniency when it all eventually unravels. I now deliberately don’t set New Year’s Resolutions.
Having gone through that learning curve though, then setting more deliberate goals and learning through *that* process of “set, do, reflect” – I feel like I can now step more comfortably into choosing an intention or direction as a guide, and letting the rest unfold on its own. I definitely needed that very messy, “failure”-riddled journey to get here though – to figure out what works for me, who I am, and how to distinguish a “want” from a “should”. (Still working on it, of course.)
Danielle LaPorte’s “Desire Map”; Peter Bregman’s suggestion to forget goals for 2013 – they both tap into this same notion: set goals willy nilly, all will fail. Tether it to a deeper meaning and watch the magic happen. Pair that with baby steps, focused attention, and tiny habits (a la BJ Fogg): unstoppable.
Your writing gives me shivers, you’re so good. =) Thanks for honing your craft, and for this great post.
~ H
‘I definitely needed that very messy, “failure”-riddled journey to get here though – to figure out what works for me, who I am, and how to distinguish a “want” from a “should”.’ Yes! It takes a lot of trial and error to figure out why something (like sticking to resolutions) isn’t working.
I love the link you shared on my fb page. We have to do some messy work inside before the outside will match, and then we have to get our habits to align with who we are. But neither can really happen without the other–we can’t stick to habits that aren’t a reflection of who we are, and we can’t “be” a runner, a writer, an educator without the habits to back those things up. It’s this sort of complicated (but not really, once it’s humming) loop that has to click into place.
I think, Ms. H that maybe there’s an awesome blog post in all of this for you?
Funny you should mention that. In reflecting on the blogging journey thus far (what’s worked, what hasn’t) – little changes are in the air. Stay tuned. Keep being you meanwhile. You’re fantastic at it. =)
~ H
Thanks, great and encouraging post :)
I’m glad you found it encouraging. Happy New Year :)
I love your take on the “should”… We have been shoulding all over ourselves for too long! My new phrase is “I will” because I intend to state positive ideas and actions I can commit to. This year, my goal (I am abstaining from the word resolution because of the negative connotation) is to run a marathon. By the end of this month, I will choose where and when, and get it down on my calendar, sign up as soon as possible, and let my friends and family who support my running habit know of my endeavor. I have already started increasing my miles each week to prepare for some real training. This and a few other simple, easily achievable, and measurable goals are laid out before me for the year.
I expect at the end of 2013 to be able to look back and say “I did it!” Thank you for sharing your perspective. :) I have many bookmarks to toss in order to free space for the few things I truly desire to achieve.
That’s awesome, Alaina. Achievable physical goals are great because they spill over into the rest of your life in such a positive way (that’s been my experience, at least). So glad to hear you’re tossing the extraneous to focus on something you really want. Best of luck with your training–I’ll be rooting for you!!!
I like to do some goal setting at the start of each year because I’m not very good at the big picture, and setting out family, personal, work and community goals is really helpful. In terms of New Year’s resolutions, I only ever make one a year and try to make sure it’s a positive one. I’ve done “make my bed every morning” “hang up my clothes every evening” “have fun” “say yes more often” and that sort of thing. A mix of practical and emotional. This year, my intent is to make one recipe from a cookbook each week because we’re all getting a bit stale of the same old, same old food.
Great post again Rian! Happy New Year to you and yours.
A new recipe every week–that sounds fun! I think all of the goals you’ve listed are great because they’re small, achievable habits that make your life better in some way. I’ve been kind of obsessed with habits over the last year and how they shape your life. Sounds like you’ve developed some great ones! Happy New Year–good luck (and lots of fun) with your cooking challenge!
I often feel like I “should” be creating New Year’s Resolutions, that it isn’t enough to reach 1st January without a list of things to make me a better person. I’d like to think that when I see something in my life that needs tweaking I do the tweaking right away, rather than wait until the year changes over. If I need to wait 4 months to change something about my life…I can’t be that intent on changing it.
I have made New Year’s Resolutions in the past, but I think the problem is that in the past few years my life has always changed around summer time. A spell of education has started or stopped based on the academic calendar, and with it everything has changed. It’s hard for me to look ahead 6 months and make resolutions that will still be realistic goals by then.
Just go with the flow, is what I’m really saying.
“If I need to wait 4 months to change something about my life…I can’t be that intent on changing it.” I agree–it means we probably don’t want to change, which means we won’t change. Go with the flow, tweak as needed, leave room for possibility–preach on, oh wise one.
I’m not a fan of the shoulds or resolutions or (if I’m being frank) the gym. If I hold myself to anything for the new year it is to stay open to life, thankful for the small bits. This little life of mine has become pretty wonderful without me listing the tar out of it :)
Listing the tar out of it–love it :) That is exactly what I’ve done to myself in the past and it just didn’t work. Staying open to life and thankful for the small bits–now that’s something I can get behind.
I love it!!!!! I should stop using the word should in 2013! ;-) Seriously, this post is for me…my 2013 resolution is just to let it be…happy new year!!!! Thanks for adding a lot of important and inspiring thoughts and ideas to my 2012….
Happy New Year, Jennifer! It’s great to hear from you :) What a great resolution. Thank YOU for reading, commenting and contributing. It’s been really great getting to know you. I have a good feeling about 2013…
I posted something similar yesterday, I’d love to hear your thoughts on it Rian. http://notsoskinnygenes.com/2013/01/03/goals-vs-resolutions/
Thanks for sharing, L. I left a comment on your post.
:)
Fantastic post, Rian, especially this time of year. I think the all-or-nothing mentality is what really causes people to fall off the bandwagon of resolutions. I recently read a blog post where the author wrote that she wants to call them aspirations and not resolutions, because the word “resolution” implies so much rigidity, and we all know that’s a recipe for disaster.
So, in 2013, I have a few financial aspirations and a few sillier ones too—like relearning how to hold a handstand for 10 seconds :) Something I’m actually looking forward to working on!
Good for you. Keep working on those sillier ones as long as you can. Someday they may not seem so silly. I would have aspired to continue playing volleyball in Indy several nights a week; now, I can’t, so it doesn’t seem so silly anymore.
Scott
Thank you, Scott, you are so right!
Holding a handstand for 10 seconds–that’s an awesome goal! I’ve been trying to do handstand push-ups (against a wall) and I’ve landed on my head a couple of times :) But it’s so fun! Happy New Year, Jorie!
Haha I’ve definitely been there, Rian! Handstand push-ups are so hard but a great arm workout, indeed :)
I have always made them – and broke them almost as consistently. Since the stroke, I really haven’t had time to make them at all. This year I decided to make them: I will continue to make daily blog posts as long as I can. I will continue to write horror short fiction as often as I can and feel like it. I will try to keep my house clean.
I have a good friend who always said, “Try never does anything.” My opinion now is that “try” is a word that shows attempt and intention. What needs to happen with “try” is that it needs to become “doing” as often as possible.
Scott
Continuing to do the things you love (okay, minus the cleaning)–that’s a pretty great resolution, Scott. I think “try” is important because not leaving room for occasional failure sets us up for permanent failure. In my mind it goes something like this: try, fail, try, fail, try again and again and again. Of course, if we fail more often than we try, maybe we need to reassess whether it’s a goal that’s worth pursuing?
The saying I have heard is: If at first you don’t succeed, quit…no use being an ass about it.
Ha! I like that.
Don’t do em anymore. A new year is a day at a time that adds up to 365. I chose to clean the slate daily, a new beginning every minute if I choose. I heard an idea from a class about adopting a theme for a year and to practice it daily. I chose joy for 2013. To give it (which is the easy part) and also to receive it.
Clean the slate daily–can you tell me how you do it? ;) I love your perspective, Marsella. One day, maybe I’ll be half as wise as you are. Happiest New Year to you!
http://beverlyquadros.wordpress.com/2013/01/01/to-2013/
This is how i feel!
I love this post. Resolutions used to be a January 1st ritual of mine. But after the unexpected twists of 2012, I’ve decided to just keep focus on flexibility. I think too often we set rigid goals and aspirations for ourselves and don’t leave room for life to not only happen, but also change us. So while I have things I want to shoot for in 2013, this year I want to stay open to changing my mind and leaving myself open to whatever type of crazy life has in store for me.
Leaving room for life to change us. You just hit the nail on the head, D. That’s kind of what 2012 was about for me too. I didn’t know I wanted to start a blog or run a Super Spartan race or do some of the work I did. Turns out they were all great things that I didn’t resolve to do but that happened anyway. I think we’re both going to have a damn good year, and hopefully some of it will be spent adventuring together ;)
I’ve always been a big resolution maker and have loved it in the past. This year I had a hard time making any resolutions at all. On one hand, I’m already SO busy, on the other hand, my health requires me to keep resolving to watch the diet and exercise so I’m right in the middle of the January cliche of “exercise more, eat more sensibly”, but this is a life-long thing, not just a January thing for me. I resolve to try again, to renew my resolve. I find I need to renew my resolve every 3 months or so to keep going, which I suppose makes it a quarterly resolution. Smaller chunks are easier. The more often I resolve to try again or keep trying regardless of all past failings, is a healthy foot forward, so I’m okay with knowing about the impending failure and then resolve to just shake it off and re-resolve. :) Anyway, YES! Less should’s. My good friend always says, “I refuse to be should upon”
I loved this post and appreciate the reminder to be kinder to ourselves.
“I resolve to try again, to renew my resolve.” :) I like the idea of quarterly renewals. Like a check in, so you can tweak and reaffirm your goals. I 100% agree that a healthy diet and exercise is a life long thing, which is why a New Year’s resolution won’t work for most people–it has to be a mindset shift. Once your mind has shifted, then it’s more about tweaking and getting back on track after a booze and cake filled Christmas (or was that just me?) ;)
This was so meaningful. All of us unknowingly do this and leads us nowhere.. Thanks for showing the way..
Those over-arching “shoulds.” So glad to take them off the list and just focus on what kind of environment or feeling I want to create.
My brain is bogged down enough. I don’t need a 2 week resolution that I will fail at to tend to as well. (I gave up resolutions long ago).
This hits home perfectly. I’ve never thought about how haunting that darn “should” word really is… Funny, I just wrote my bucket list before finding this blog post, and it really made me think of how many superfluous shoulds crowd up our vision and mind. I still want to complete everything on my bucket list, but I now have a clearer view of how I will accomplish them – by getting rid of everything else that hinders, aka all those other pointless “shoulds” in my life, and focusing onward to the goals that I truly strive to obtain. Thanks so much for the inspiration. :)
I always thought there was only one bad word that began with s-h- but I was clearly wrong. You are absolutely right, Rian; “should” is a horrible word. While I do think resolutions are a fantastic way to shed some light onto what a person really wants to accomplish, being realistic and true to oneself is far more important come January 1st. The resolutions that were the easiest–and most fun–to keep were the ones that I did to challenge myself and not completely change into a person I “should” be.
When I gave up soda for a year in high school, I didn’t do it because it’s not good for you and I shouldn’t drink so much. I did it because I wanted to see if I could. I kept the “should” out of the equation. The good thing with maintaining that particular resolution was my taste buds changed and I’ve never consumed the same levels of soda as I once did. A small thing like that led to a bigger change in my life and that is worth celebrating with more champagne. ;)
I’m not a fan of New Year’s Resolutions. Why do I have to wait until a new year to make positive changes in my life? My most successful changes don’t begin on Monday or the first of a year, they begin when I decide I want something to be different and when I am in the mental space to start. I have also found that ditching the “should” and making change more about focusing on the positive and what I “want” are key to making lasting change.
Cheers,
Laura
Yes, indeed! Why wait until the calendar turns to make a positive change? Like the adage goes, “You will change when the pain of remaining the same is greater than the pain of changing.” When we feel the impetus to change, we should act on it regardless of the time or place. Love it!
My new years resolutions are to go on holiday more and to try and eat more ethically (when buying meat, specifically). I think I’ll stick to them as I actually WANT to do them. With this in mind, I am going to Paris for the day Thursday after next :-)
Totally agree, Rian! When you are younger you think you should do this or should do that, but as you get older, you realize what you really should do is enjoy the journey and jettison the artifical definitions that limit you.
Reblogged this on eighteen thousand feet above the clouds.
Fantastic post. Never in my life have I bothered with New Years resolutions. I don’t think I plan to either. I’ve always felt like if somebody wants to achieve something what better time to start than now! But even I don’t follow my own advice… For the longest time I’ve been wanting to get back into writing and photography, two things I really enjoy doing. However, I’m distracted by more “practical” activities like school/work. After tiring myself out with such activities, though I love entertaining the idea of picking up my pen or camera, I never do. I usually just laze around and then end up regretting the time wasted. Perhaps instead of tackling my world all at once I should focus on time management and sticking to a schedule. Take things one at a time, so I can slow down and focus. Thanks for writing this. You’ve given some great advice! :)
Hey Rian! I guess its late yet, A VERY HAPPY NEW YEAR! I hope 2013 gives you more admirers, more friends, more happy moments and more everything.
Resolutions…hmm…I never tried to make them because I know I’m not going to follow them and then, I’d feel bad about myself. After that, I’d hate myself more for failing to be strong and resolving something and seeing it through. Its an unhealthy cycle I guess. Self-hate combined with uncertainty. Since 2012 has been a good year for me, I decided to take up some resolutions for 2013. I brought forward an interesting proposition to my head and heart. So, my resolutions turned up to be follow through whatever I started in 2012. I get to continue to exercise because I want to do it and I get to write because I want to improve my writing. I also resolved to not feel guilty if I eat anything out of the diet I had been given. And I haven’t felt much after that. I simply exercised more and I definitely wouldn’t gorge on whatever’s in front of me. Its been so healthy and calm in my head, I say. I’m actually capable of writing regularly now.
Loved your post, Rian! You are so terrific!! And I worship your writing voice.
By the way, I’m having difficulty accessing your blog from my computer.yours is the only blog that’s doing it. I read truth and cake on my phone from then on.
Love,xoxoxoxoxo
i always hear people saying the best way to write a blog but i think you do it very well, would love some tips if you have any. been thinking of starting my own. thanks